I’ve been trying to form my thoughts for a while, and I don’t know that I have it all together yet, but these thoughts have been on my heart. It is easy to love when you feel loved. It’s easy when your needs are met. But how do we love when we are hurting, when our needs are not met?
How do you feel when you spent all day running errands, and the family in the apartment above you needs you to babysit? Or what happens when you’re pulling a double, and then the world’s worst customer decides that you are the target of his or her next complaint session? How do you respond when those ten precious minutes of quiet you were hoping for is suddenly imposed upon by a friend in “crisis mode.”
I think that our response to these situations really shows what’s truly inside. And if you are like me, many times it’s not a beautiful thing. When I’m struggling, I find it so much easier to respond with rudeness or just not to respond at all. I allow my miniature world to spin around the axis of my problems and fears. Many times this leaves me frustrated and isolated, because I can’t bring myself to “see” others in a gracious way.
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I found myself dealing with this over the past few days. It’s been a rough week. Too much homework and not enough energy. I felt overwhelmed and frazzled around the edges. Every interruption, whether by phone or knock at the door, felt startling and harsh. I just wanted people to leave me alone. I felt that everyone wanted something of me, something that I couldn’t deliver.
So I withdrew a little bit. It’s something I do when I don’t feel like I can handle things. I didn’t answer my phone, sometimes even just putting it on silent and leaving it somewhere. Then I felt guilty. Which made me frustrated.
Then, one day I read this from James 3:17,18. (By now you may be wondering if I read any other book, I’ve quoted James so much. Long story short, I felt called to read a chapter of the book of James every day for a month. It was an amazing experience. Maybe I’ll post on that later?)
Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.
- The Message
At first, I simply felt conviction. And it definitely was a good thing, although it was tough to admit. I hadn’t been living this way. The part about being hot one day and cold the next really stood out on the page.
I realized that I was unconsciously using my struggles as an excuse not to love.
This is totally the opposite of God. God loved me when I hated Him. He loved me when I was indifferent to His presence. He loves me even now when I miss out on the good and amazing gifts He’s given me because I’m too busy focusing on the struggles He’s allowing me to go through. God’s love just keeps on giving. Not hot one day and cold the next. Not like me.
It’s good to experience godly conviction and to begin to make changes. Sometimes, though, we can get focused on our flaws and allow it to discourage us. Today, when I looked back at those verses in James, I noticed something different that really encouraged me. At the very end of those verses, it talks about doing the hard work of getting along with others. It hit me then: this isn’t always going to be easy.
In another version, the writer uses the comparison of sowing and reaping. I’m definitely not a farmer, but I helped my mom plant a garden more times than I can count when I was growing up. And you know what? I never planted something and expected it to become a full grown plant or flower overnight. The comparison here is deeply meaningful to me. Unity and real love takes purposeful effort. We’ve got to work at it.
I’ve found though, that working in my own strength just leaves me burnt out, and plants seeds of bitterness and pride in my life. So I’ve learned that I have to constantly pray to God for the strength and wisdom that only He can give.
And sometimes, He does tell me to turn off my phone. He tells me that I can’t do everything for everyone all the time. He tells me that not only is it okay to spend time alone, but that it is good and necessary for my well-being. I don’t believe that I should always answer my phone, or respond to everything that people ask of me in order to truly love people. The pattern I’ve seen in the bible is one of balance, and trust in the Holy Spirit for guidance.
I want to be wise. I want my life to overflow with mercy and gentleness for others. But I can’t do it alone, and it won’t happen overnight. That’s not the way it works. I am utterly reliant on God to experience, understand, and give love. When I think of it that way, I feel free to do my best, and I’m more patient with myself and others.
I believe it is possible to give out of the little we have, and love others in spite of our own struggles.
As always, your thoughts are appreciated :)
