What we've done

 We've turned joy into a virtue to strive for instead of allowing it to be the natural response to a revelation of the love of Christ.

                                                    - Me

I know others have said it before and probably said it better. I know it's true in my life. I've taken the "fruit" of the Spirit and tried to reproduce it in myself and by myself. All I get is a tasteless sham that doesn't sustain life. I don't want that anymore. I want to live life alive.

An Explanation

I wrote “A Story” because it was a chance to look back at my 3-year struggle with depression from a new perspective. I’m realizing that although my brain is naturally susceptible to the disorder, I also allowed the weight of people’s judgments to negatively influence me. I stopped doing things that were vital to me out of fear and misplaced expectations.

  

There are some wonderful changes happening in my life. I’m realizing a little more of my purpose and I really feel that God is laying the foundation for what’s to come. It’s like building a house. The cement that has been mixing and churning is finally being poured into the trenches.

As you can imagine, the view from within the mixing drum has been anything but tranquil. This summer hasn’t been easy, but it’s been powerful and deeply meaningful to me. Two things stand out to me as major catalysts for the changes inside of me.

I’m doing some good work with the Beloved Community Center and the experience there has caused me to really think hard about what I believe and why. I’ll post on that soon, so I won’t go into detail here.

I’ve also been blessed with a beautiful relationship. It’s not new, but until this point it was too tenuous and fresh to even speak about here. Or maybe I was the one that was too fragile. Either way I’m excited to go on this journey. I know now that what we have is real and worth fighting for.

So I wrote “A Story” in part because I want to understand and advocate for others. I believe that starts with understanding and being able to vocalize my own story. This is where I’m at for now. Tomorrow may be a different story :)

A Story - Day 13

There once was a little girl who loved the sun.  During the winter, she would layer on clothing, grab a good book and sit on the concrete well cover outside in the yard.  She did this for years, until she got to high school.  Her friends there started making fun of her, because she looked really silly all bundled up outside in the winter, especially when all she did was sit and read.  “You can do that in the house, like normal people.”  So the girl who was not so little anymore stopped sitting outside.  For the next few years, the not-so-little girl began to suffer, especially during the winter.  She was very sad and listless and eventually began to draw away from her friends, her work, and herself.  One day things were so bad that she decided to get help.  She was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder and told that things could get better.  Her first line of treatment: sunlight.  The woman (for that’s what she was now) realized that the people who had teased her had nearly taken her life.  She decided that, despite popular opinion on the matter, she would live every day of her life alive.

Lavish - Day 12

Today a friend was talking about the love of God and how His thoughts about us number more than all of the grains of sand in all the world. When she said that, I could only think of one word: lavish.

Lately I've been reading The Grand Weaver by Ravi Zacharias. It's a densely packed book, full of so many profound lines that I've found it hard to stop underlining and sticky-noting places in it. (yo, 'sticky-noting' is a real word! - well spell-check didn't mark it.) Anyway, he said something on p. 39 that really stuck out to me:

"...at the end of your life one of three things will happen to your heart: it will grow hard, it will be broken, or it will be tender. Nobody escapes. Your heart will become course and desensitized, be crushed under the weight of disappointment, or be made tender by that which makes the heart of God tender as well."

I've always been a person that felt like I had to protect myself. I held back from others out of fear or judgment.Waiting to love someone fully only if they deserved it. And nobody ever did. I lived in a state of grudging or hesitant affection, even towards the people closest to me. I held myself and others to a high standard because I feared pain and rejection more than anything else.I was walking down the path to a hard heart.

God's standard thought, is the only one that matters. I know I've been forgiven and I know I'm made worthy by His blood. But I still struggled to let go of the standard I built.

This semester, God has brought me through so many difficult things, many of which I've never gotten to blog about. My battle with depression, my struggle to trust God for my brother's life, and my recent breakup with a guy I was crazy about all had the potential to leave me in that second category: broken-hearted. Through all of those things, though, God has shown me unwavering, lavish love. Love so big that I don't have to protect myself with false ways of being secure, like my impossible standards. My security is in Christ, and He is a strong tower.

The tough thing about His protection is that it doesn't allow me to remain protected the way I define it- cloistered off from people.

His strength dares me to be vulnerable, because He wants to be my only shield.

His love conquers fear, so I can be truthful and bold.

He asks me to trust beyond my five senses because through it I learn to live faith.

He frees me to take risks because even if I fall flat, He is a healer and I'm never too far gone.

Vibrant. Confident. Fierce. Me?

Yup, that's right!
------

“Laugh at yourself, but don't ever aim your doubt at yourself. Be bold. When you embark for strange places, don't leave any of yourself safely on shore. Have the nerve to go into unexplored territory.”
- e.e. cummings

Desire - Day 11

Today I got an e-mail about an opportunity to get a paid internship. It's the Greensboro Justice Summer 2011 Internship Program. They are looking for ten interns to work on social justice and social change issues in Greensboro. AHHHHHHH!!!!!! I want this so badly.

It was just a few days ago that someone asked me this question: "If you could do anything, regardless of money and restraints, what would you do?" Now, I have lots of answers to that question, but the one that has really been the one lately is: end poverty in Greensboro. That's a huge undertaking, but I believe it's totally possible. Those agencies that provide immediate relief (short term shelters, food banks, etc.) have to combine with those willing to buckle down and stick it out for the long haul. I'm talking about education, job training, AND job opportunities. 

My idea is that the private sector could really come together on this. If Greensboro businesses would pledge to hire and retain a certain number of homeless employees, then I believe we could be on our way to truly ending poverty. Unfortunately, giving someone a job isn't as flashy as handing out food or building a house for Habitat. Those things are great when done properly, but they aren't enough in and of themselves. 

Granted, those business owners would be taking a risk. Some of these employees may not have held a stable job in years. They may have mild mental health concerns. They may be battling addiction and sickness and other variables that have added to the reasons why they are homeless. I think though, that someone has to stick their neck out. Someone has to take a chance. There is so much wasted talent, skill, and passion among those who have simply hit a rough patch, and need a boost up. This isn't about pity or altruism, but about seeing people. People who could be us. 

My heart is bursting with the desire to put this plan into action. Unfortunately, I'm an English major. Not Political Science or Business. I firmly believe, though, that there's a reason that I have this passion. Maybe this internship is a way to start making the connections that will bring this idea to life! 

I'm putting in my application soon. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers! If you are also interested in changing Greensboro, let me know! I'd love to hear your thoughts and ideas too. 

So now I wanna turn the questions around. 

If YOU could do anything, regardless of money and restraints, what would you do?

What I learned from loneliness.

So much has happened since I last wrote that I don't know where to start. Life is flying by at a speed that leaves me spinning. Hopefully, I'll be able to make my posts a little more consistent, but it is crunch time for those of us in college - so don't hold me to it. :)

On a whim, I flipped back through my old journal of last summer and read through my thoughts and memories during that time. Some were really painful, others embarrassing, most pretty dramatic - the kind where you wince a little as you read, ya know? All of it though, was very real, and very difficult.

I learned so many lessons last summer, and grew a lot. It was far different from what I expected, in both positive and negative ways. I learned more about campus ministry (which I still have a heart for), and got to do things like sit in on meetings and help with summer projects. I started new friendships, and caught up with the ones that can easily get neglected in the business of the academic year. But the one word that described my summer overall, was loneliness. 

It was tough. I spent a lot of time by myself, or with people who (in my opinion) just didn’t “get me.” But almost a year later, I can honestly say I'm glad for it. I don't say that lightly, but it is true. After reading all of those entries, I felt like I should write about them, a different perspective at a different time. I started with a free-write in my current journal and wanted to share it, so here it is.

It hurts,

But I’m never completely alone.

It bends,

but does not break entirely.

I learned to count my blessings,

and treasure each moment with those that I love.

I learned that it’s easier said than done.

and that the toughest storms are sometimes internal.

I learned that God is closer than I know.

and His silence is different from his absence.

He never lets go,

but challenges me to be something greater than I am.

Those changes hurt, push me to my limits,

but in my weakness he still moves.

Through my foolishness he whispers wisdom.

Through my hurt he speaks of hope.

Life is full of contradictions:

            sweet and sour

            kind and harsh

            gentle and fierce

            lack and excess

but none of them have to control me. 

------

Some things can’t be taught, only experienced. I am better for that summer, although I couldn’t see it then. So if you are in that place, chin up, and look for moments of learning despite the tough stuff. I don’t say this to belittle what you are going through now, but you gotta know that the other side will come.

As always, I want to hear your questions, comments, or thoughts.

(Also, if you have any ideas on how to improve this poem-ish thing I have here, please let me know that too. I would love to hear [constructive] feedback).

A Little Victory - Day 7

This is a poem I wrote a few days back to share with my chuch. When I wrote it, it symbolized hope in something that hasn't fully come to past. When I read it, it became about courage in spite of fear. It's hard to explain that in a few words....but I'll try.

I felt an incredible amount of fear for something that should have been so small. It was to the point that I wouldn't even think about it because I'd physically feel ill. I was up and down the whole time -  praying, getting to a place of peace, then tumbling back into fear again. It was stressful. And frustrating.

God definitely gave me courage though. And He gave me people. A really close friend - more like a sister - came to me and was willing to listen. Her support meant so much because she pushed through the icy walls of "I'm fine" and "everything's okay" that I tend to put up when I'm really a mess inside. She was the first person that I actually read the poem aloud to.

My boyfriend was so incredibly supportive as well. He challenged me to follow through instead of giving up. He also told me something that I don't think I'll ever forget. I was nervous about working on my poetry in front of him - I usually work alone, then share what I've got. What he said went something like , "Don't feel like you have to go away and get perfect before you can come to me." I can't really explain now why that meant so much, but it did. And it ran deeper than just the poetry.

So, no matter what anyone may think about this poem, to me it was part of a growing process. I know that I'll be able to look back over this and remember it as a victory.

Me = 1, Fear = 0

------

Your love is spilling over

 the rough edges of my heart

I’m still flawed and unfinished,

But you don’t give up.

Your love reaches down

through time,

through sin

through fear

past pain

and all the voices that claimed

That I can’t make it.

That I’m too small,

 too weak,

Strange

and unequipped for the changes ahead

These words leave me restless and full of anxiety,

You break the chains of false security

confusion and selfish pride that keep

me from running to You.

But Your grace is enough

You make all things new.

                 

It doesn’t make sense to me

How deep Your loves goes.

The starkest poverty can’t exhaust your riches

Your light is so bright it cannot be eclipsed

Darkness can’t blind You, /Shadows can’t hide You

night is like day,

and tragedy just intensifies Your glory

Use my story

As part of your plan

To speak truth,

heal broken hearts,

and cut through sin’s cages

You’re the God of the Ages

And to You is the kingdom.

You have all the power.

You reign, King of glory

Forever, and ever, and ever

Amen. 

 ------

-- Psalm 34:5

Tough Love - Day 6

I’ve been trying to form my thoughts for a while, and I don’t know that I have it all together yet, but these thoughts have been on my heart. It is easy to love when you feel loved. It’s easy when your needs are met. But how do we love when we are hurting, when our needs are not met? 

How do you feel when you spent all day running errands, and the family in the apartment above you needs you to babysit? Or what happens when you’re pulling a double, and then the world’s worst customer decides that you are the target of his or her next complaint session?  How do you respond when those ten precious minutes of quiet you were hoping for is suddenly imposed upon by a friend in “crisis mode.” 

 

I think that our response to these situations really shows what’s truly inside. And if you are like me, many times it’s not a beautiful thing. When I’m struggling, I find it so much easier to respond with rudeness or just not to respond at all. I allow my miniature world to spin around the axis of my problems and fears. Many times this leaves me frustrated and isolated, because I can’t bring myself to “see” others in a gracious way.

------

 I found myself dealing with this over the past few days. It’s been a rough week. Too much homework and not enough energy. I felt overwhelmed and frazzled around the edges. Every interruption, whether by phone or knock at the door, felt startling and harsh. I just wanted people to leave me alone. I felt that everyone wanted something of me, something that I couldn’t deliver.

So I withdrew a little bit. It’s something I do when I don’t feel like I can handle things. I didn’t answer my phone, sometimes even just putting it on silent and leaving it somewhere. Then I felt guilty. Which made me frustrated. 

Then, one day I read this from James 3:17,18. (By now you may be wondering if I read any other book, I’ve quoted James so much. Long story short, I felt called to read a chapter of the book of James every day for a month. It was an amazing experience. Maybe I’ll post on that later?)

Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.

-          The Message

At first, I simply felt conviction. And it definitely was a good thing, although it was tough to admit. I hadn’t been living this way. The part about being hot one day and cold the next really stood out on the page. 

I realized that I was unconsciously using my struggles as an excuse not to love.

This is totally the opposite of God. God loved me when I hated Him. He loved me when I was indifferent to His presence. He loves me even now when I miss out on the good and amazing gifts He’s given me because I’m too busy focusing on the struggles He’s allowing me to go through. God’s love just keeps on giving. Not hot one day and cold the next. Not like me. 

It’s good to experience godly conviction and to begin to make changes. Sometimes, though, we can get focused on our flaws and allow it to discourage us. Today, when I looked back at those verses in James, I noticed something different that really encouraged me. At the very end of those verses, it talks about doing the hard work of getting along with others. It hit me then: this isn’t always going to be easy. 

In another version, the writer uses the comparison of sowing and reaping. I’m definitely not a farmer, but I helped my mom plant a garden more times than I can count when I was growing up. And you know what? I never planted something and expected it to become a full grown plant or flower overnight. The comparison here is deeply meaningful to me. Unity and real love takes purposeful effort. We’ve got to work at it. 

I’ve found though, that working in my own strength just leaves me burnt out, and plants seeds of bitterness and pride in my life. So I’ve learned that I have to constantly pray to God for the strength and wisdom that only He can give.

And sometimes, He does tell me to turn off my phone. He tells me that I can’t do everything for everyone all the time. He tells me that not only is it okay to spend time alone, but that it is good and necessary for my well-being. I don’t believe that I should always answer my phone, or respond to everything that people ask of me in order to truly love people. The pattern I’ve seen in the bible is one of balance, and trust in the Holy Spirit for guidance. 

I want to be wise. I want my life to overflow with mercy and gentleness for others. But I can’t do it alone, and it won’t happen overnight. That’s not the way it works. I am utterly reliant on God to experience, understand, and give love. When I think of it that way, I feel free to do my best, and I’m more patient with myself and others. 

I believe it is possible to give out of the little we have, and love others in spite of our own struggles.

As always, your thoughts are appreciated :)