Hope in the Unseen

I found this quote today. I pray that at the end of my life, I will be able to say these words.

“I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do great things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all people, richly blessed.”

-- Anonymous

Midnight Poetry

It's late and I should go to bed but I want to write something beautiful,

something from my heart.

But my brain is limp and craves sleep and there's no beauty, just cotton.

so I'll leave you with this instead.

Wild Geese 
Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

-----

Mary Oliver, your words are magic.

Hurricane Love - Day 4

I learned something deeper about God today.

 I want to explain my use of the word deeper.  I mean that there are some times that I “know” something in my head, but when I examine my life I don’t see any consistent evidence of that knowledge. Sometimes, it’s the difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. Other times I may have forgotten or let something lesser replace it. Either way I’m thrilled and humbled when I understand in a more complete way than before.

What I learned I wrote letter-style to God. I don’t write this in the hopes of teaching you something about God, but to urge you to seek for yourself. No matter how far from God you are or how skeptical you are about His existence or benevolence, one thing stays the same: God, who is complete in all ways, desires a deep friendship with each of us, who struggle in incompleteness. 

So question everything - check it in reliable ways, and pray for God to show you the truth in anything you read or hear.

-----

I asked You to teach me something new about You. And you did! I’ve been studying James, and the verse that I was wrestling with was James 4:5 

It’s a highly disputed verse, but one possible translation really spoke to me. You are jealous for my faithfulness and deeply desire my love. Like a lover, you see my unfaithfulness and passionately desire my affections to be for You.

It clicked when I thought of the opening lines of “How He Loves”

He is jealous for me

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree

You are passionate for my entire heart. You desire me fiercely. My obedience and full focus is pleasing to you. You aren’t indifferent to my selfishness and the ways in which I ignore your laws.

“The Holy Spirit is jealous for us. He opposes everything in us that would draw us away from God.”

You are protective of me and long for me to stay in the safety and freedom of your arms. This is hard for me, and maybe many others to accept and understand. From my human perspective safety is often seen as being in opposition with freedom. But You are so big that I don’t doubt this. Your love is complete. My mind struggles to grasp Your fullness, but nothing is impossible for You.

-----

I want to know your thoughts. What stuck out to you? Is there something you can challenge me with? Please speak freely.

Sunlight - Day 3

I'm slowly learning to be patient with myself and the place that I'm at.

It still baffles me to find that gray skies can plunge me into a place of sadness, low energy, and gloom. It’s a bittersweet thing to know I’m not alone in this. I’ve been working to learn more about what’s going on with me and I’m taking steps to push back against it. I’m so grateful for the thoughts and prayers of friends and family. Still, some days are just rough.

Monday was one of those days this week, and I struggled to get even the most basic things accomplished. After hitting the snooze bottom a record number of times, I finally just burst into tears. I j wanted to scream at myself to get it together. I pushed through the morning, shuffled through the afternoon, and slumped into bed later that night feeling discouraged. I started seriously considering getting a prescription. The thought made me anxious and scared.

Please hear me on this: I do not believe that it is wrong to take medicine for depression or any disorder. If you are struggling, you need to do what will help you get better. I just have a history of adjusting poorly to anything – whether it’s my asthma inhaler or regular over-the-counter pain meds – so I’m trying everything else first.

Tuesday was beautiful and bright, so I spent lunch sitting in a makeshift window seat. I learned that just being in the sunlight can be therapeutic. The rays were so incredibly warm and full –indescribably so. I vaguely wished (again) to be somebody’s cat, so I could sit there all day being adorable and self-satisfied - the way I always view cats as being.  The rest of Tuesday was much better, but I was frustrated still. I hated feeling like I’m on a roller coaster, up one day and down the next.

Wednesday I read the first chapter of the book in the bible called James. In verse 17, James describes God as the “Father of heavenly lights.” For some reason, that description tugged at me, imploring me to explore it. What I found made me smile.

I keep a journal on a regular-ish basis, and much of the time I write directly to God. What I wrote went something like this:

God, I’m so glad You describe Yourself as the Father of lights. It seems to mean “Father of the sun, moon and stars.” James compares You to those beautiful lights, and shows how You are so much more than them in every way. There’s no change in You, no rising or setting, like the sun. Your light is so complete it cannot be eclipsed and so blazingly bright that there are no shadows left. Just like my body and brain craves sunlight to function and experience happiness, I need You to infinitely more to experience truth and deep satisfaction. Thank You for being bigger than the sun. Thank you for being constant when I am not.

God’s…fullness… isn’t changed by my inconsistency. I can rely on him to be my focus and security, even when I’m a mess. Especially then. I feel humbled by his love.

Between me and You...

I want to be his; but I want to be Yours more.

Just be yourself - Day 2

Today I learned something new about myself, and in doing so learned something deeper about my Creator-God.

Starting this blog has been deeply emotional for me. This morning alone I nearly deleted it at least three times. I felt insecure and afraid to write from what’s within me. But I feel that, for now, this is what I’m supposed to do. And I trust that I’ll stop when I’m supposed to stop.

------

Today I learned to accept a part of me that I’d kept locked away for longer than I care to remember.

I am a deeply relational person. I get excited to listen to people and talk to them in a one-on-one setting. I love hearing people and learning about them – things that are important, things that make them happy and sad. But growing up, when I tried to be that person I was shut down, again and again. I was told in many times and ways that I was “heavy.” Family and friends said things like “pretty girls like you should be happy” and “hey, you’re cute and all, but you’re just so…”

 Boring. I was boring. Because to me, life wasn’t and isn’t about doing crazy things, it was and is about really hearing and seeing people. Don’t get me wrong, there are things I like to do and interests that I have, but none of those things really make me...sparkle...like a deep conversation with a close friend.

During high school and my first two years of college, I tried so hard to be the person I thought I should be. I tried to be the perky, bubbly, lighthearted girl that people wanted to hang out with. I went to parties, chatted about nothing with people that I’d probably never see again and tried to pretend that it was enough. It wasn’t. 

Inside, I was desperate for someone to see me. 

 

And some people finally did. I’m truly grateful for those few. Sadly, though, something had happened to me during that time. I could no longer accept myself for who I was. I felt oddly guilty and weird for wanting to have close, personal friendships. “What’s wrong with you?” I’d say to myself, “why can’t you be normal?” “You’re a freak and probably intensely codependent. Be strong like a real woman.”  Even when I let someone close, I’d shy away from deep conversations or make jokes when things got too serious, just so they’d “know” I wasn’t a freak. Just so I’d know I wasn’t a freak.

But I slowly learned to open up to people. I grew and changed, and found people who I could really connect with. And today, I realized something that blew my mind.

I was in the bathroom (where most good ideas happen) and a thought hit me like the most beautiful ton of bricks ever. 

In the same way that I long to be close to people, God longs to be close to people.

Wow. 

I have a wonderful God who sent his son Jesus to pay a price we never could. The bible says that our sins separate us from God. Jesus bridged that gap so that I could be close to God. God did a heartbreaking thing for something he found worthwhile and beautiful. A close, personal, living friendship with us.

When I build deep, meaningful friendships I am being like God. Not like a freak. Not heavy.  Not like any of the ugly and harsh things that I was told - and told myself. 

Beautifully and wonderfully me.

“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – how well I know it. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”

                                                                                                                                       Psalm 139: 13-14,16 NLT 

I’ve read these verses many times before, but it’s never spoken to me like this. God knows every detail about me including the delicate, inner parts of me. Today when I read this verse, my thoughts went directly to my brain, and all what happens within it. I’m glad to be complex. He knows how I struggle with dark thoughts and gray skies. And he thinks I’m marvelous.

I happen to agree.

So in response I want to get to know him too. That’s why I read my bible. That’s why I pray. Not out of feeling like I should, or because my parents taught me to, but because it’s how I can learn about the God who wants to know me, and already does. True friendship is never one-sided.

So what do you think? How do you view friendship?

Where are you from?

"Where I'm From" poems are simple, beautiful, and as unique as snowflakes.

I wrote the one posted in the right column of this page. Writing them is always an interesting experience, because I think of so many things that were a part of my childhood. I've written more than one, and the really great thing is they're always different and I learn something new every time.

If you'd like to write one, you can find the template here. If you aren't sure where to start, check out the one written by the founder of this style of poem, George Ella Lyon. There's even a place to listen to her read it aloud which I strongly encourage you to do. Poetry is mean to be voiced!

If you write one and don't mind sharing it, I'd like to read it. You can e-mail it to me....at least I think there's a way to do that.

-Apple