Break the Chains

This song....love it. Misty Edwards is incredibly talented!

Lavish - Day 12

Today a friend was talking about the love of God and how His thoughts about us number more than all of the grains of sand in all the world. When she said that, I could only think of one word: lavish.

Lately I've been reading The Grand Weaver by Ravi Zacharias. It's a densely packed book, full of so many profound lines that I've found it hard to stop underlining and sticky-noting places in it. (yo, 'sticky-noting' is a real word! - well spell-check didn't mark it.) Anyway, he said something on p. 39 that really stuck out to me:

"...at the end of your life one of three things will happen to your heart: it will grow hard, it will be broken, or it will be tender. Nobody escapes. Your heart will become course and desensitized, be crushed under the weight of disappointment, or be made tender by that which makes the heart of God tender as well."

I've always been a person that felt like I had to protect myself. I held back from others out of fear or judgment.Waiting to love someone fully only if they deserved it. And nobody ever did. I lived in a state of grudging or hesitant affection, even towards the people closest to me. I held myself and others to a high standard because I feared pain and rejection more than anything else.I was walking down the path to a hard heart.

God's standard thought, is the only one that matters. I know I've been forgiven and I know I'm made worthy by His blood. But I still struggled to let go of the standard I built.

This semester, God has brought me through so many difficult things, many of which I've never gotten to blog about. My battle with depression, my struggle to trust God for my brother's life, and my recent breakup with a guy I was crazy about all had the potential to leave me in that second category: broken-hearted. Through all of those things, though, God has shown me unwavering, lavish love. Love so big that I don't have to protect myself with false ways of being secure, like my impossible standards. My security is in Christ, and He is a strong tower.

The tough thing about His protection is that it doesn't allow me to remain protected the way I define it- cloistered off from people.

His strength dares me to be vulnerable, because He wants to be my only shield.

His love conquers fear, so I can be truthful and bold.

He asks me to trust beyond my five senses because through it I learn to live faith.

He frees me to take risks because even if I fall flat, He is a healer and I'm never too far gone.

Vibrant. Confident. Fierce. Me?

Yup, that's right!
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“Laugh at yourself, but don't ever aim your doubt at yourself. Be bold. When you embark for strange places, don't leave any of yourself safely on shore. Have the nerve to go into unexplored territory.”
- e.e. cummings

Desire - Day 11

Today I got an e-mail about an opportunity to get a paid internship. It's the Greensboro Justice Summer 2011 Internship Program. They are looking for ten interns to work on social justice and social change issues in Greensboro. AHHHHHHH!!!!!! I want this so badly.

It was just a few days ago that someone asked me this question: "If you could do anything, regardless of money and restraints, what would you do?" Now, I have lots of answers to that question, but the one that has really been the one lately is: end poverty in Greensboro. That's a huge undertaking, but I believe it's totally possible. Those agencies that provide immediate relief (short term shelters, food banks, etc.) have to combine with those willing to buckle down and stick it out for the long haul. I'm talking about education, job training, AND job opportunities. 

My idea is that the private sector could really come together on this. If Greensboro businesses would pledge to hire and retain a certain number of homeless employees, then I believe we could be on our way to truly ending poverty. Unfortunately, giving someone a job isn't as flashy as handing out food or building a house for Habitat. Those things are great when done properly, but they aren't enough in and of themselves. 

Granted, those business owners would be taking a risk. Some of these employees may not have held a stable job in years. They may have mild mental health concerns. They may be battling addiction and sickness and other variables that have added to the reasons why they are homeless. I think though, that someone has to stick their neck out. Someone has to take a chance. There is so much wasted talent, skill, and passion among those who have simply hit a rough patch, and need a boost up. This isn't about pity or altruism, but about seeing people. People who could be us. 

My heart is bursting with the desire to put this plan into action. Unfortunately, I'm an English major. Not Political Science or Business. I firmly believe, though, that there's a reason that I have this passion. Maybe this internship is a way to start making the connections that will bring this idea to life! 

I'm putting in my application soon. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers! If you are also interested in changing Greensboro, let me know! I'd love to hear your thoughts and ideas too. 

So now I wanna turn the questions around. 

If YOU could do anything, regardless of money and restraints, what would you do?

Confident - Day 10

Once again, so much has happened since I last wrote that I have no idea where to begin.  So I guess I’ll start with an update from my last full post Life – Day 9. I can’t believe that was more than a month ago. I was just starting my medication and scared to death. 

I’m doing so much better now. I adjusted fairly well, only dealing with a few side effects that were pretty light compared to the scary list of them that always come packaged with the medicine. Also, the meds started working in about two weeks, which is nearly half the expected time. I was able to get back on my feet and finish out the academic year stronger than ever. 

And about all those fears? None of them really mattered. 

The biggest fear the whole time was telling my mom. Not that I thought she’d be angry or reject me in any way, she’s the most caring person I know, and she’s always there for me. But I know what she believed about the subject, and I was terrified to disappoint her or make her worry about me. I tried to tell her over the phone at least twice. One time, I even called specifically for that reason. The phone conversation went something like this:

“Hey Mama”

“Hey Baby, how are you?”

“Good.” *silence*

“…is everything okay?”

“Um…yes…”

“…”

“I just called because I wanted to tell you…I love you”

“Aww, well I love you too!” 

“yeah…alright.  Well that’s it. I didn’t really want anything.”

“Okay, well I miss you.”

“Miss you too. Bye.”

I’m sure she knew something was up - we’re usually super chatty and it had been a while since we talked so I’m sure she expected a lot more. But she didn’t question me, and I’m sure she just got off the phone and prayed about it. As soon as I got off the phone I start mentally berating myself. “Seriously? Am I really that ridiculous?” The answer was yes. So instead of telling her directly, I e-mailed the link to this blog and asked her to read it. The next day, she called me. She was a little nervous and reserved, but she was mostly mad - at the psychiatrist. 

“Was he mean to you?! Do you want me to come up there, ‘cause I will!” 

Haha, my mom is so awesome. Especially because she’s like 5’1” and in general not at all a threatening person. She’s fierce though, and would definitely have driven up to my school and had a meeting with him. But I told her that it was okay, and that I needed to hear what he had to say. Then she just waited. And I started talking. I explained to her why I had decided to do it and how I was really feeling better. She listened and was totally supportive. She even said that she was glad I didn’t ask her about it beforehand, because she would have advised me against it. Our relationship grew even stronger, and she has a new perspective on things. Once again, all that worrying for nothing.

My classes were also a major concern, especially the one in which I missed all those days. I’m sure it will show in my final grade, but so far my exams and presentations have been strong. And the class that I thought I was going to fail? My professor allowed me to complete the work I missed for half-credit. I passed by .7 points. Definitely not where I want to be, but totally better than where I could have been. 

I can’t take any of the credit for this. Even the meds, as helpful as they were, weren’t the answer. God’s grace is truly what got me through this time in my life, one of the hardest I’ve ever dealt with. I honestly don’t have the space to write all of the ways in which I’ve been blessed; all the little things that helped me to make it though; all of the friends who had just the right words (or no words at all) that encouraged me to keep going. 

It’s cool to look back at the journal entries I wrote then. I was up, down, and all over the place. But slowly things got better, and I learned that I could be strong in the face of adversity. One entry that really made me smile was on March 19th.

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Thank You God for the life You’ve given me. Thank you for joy, and the energy to move, breathe and smile. Help me to never take those things for granted.

Thank you for the darkness. You are in it and you never let me go. You speak light and life to me constantly, despite my being deaf to it at times. Thank you. I give this day to You, and along with it my heart.

------

For this year, I’ve just recently stopped taking the meds. Now that I’ve readjusted to being off of them I feel great! I’m so much better and stronger for the darkness, but I’m moving beyond it into the light. It’s so cool to be able to agree 100% with David when he writes:

“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

-          Psalm 27:13,14

Happy Good Friday everyone!

Smile

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by
If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
For you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile Even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Smile - Charlie Chapman

What I learned from loneliness.

So much has happened since I last wrote that I don't know where to start. Life is flying by at a speed that leaves me spinning. Hopefully, I'll be able to make my posts a little more consistent, but it is crunch time for those of us in college - so don't hold me to it. :)

On a whim, I flipped back through my old journal of last summer and read through my thoughts and memories during that time. Some were really painful, others embarrassing, most pretty dramatic - the kind where you wince a little as you read, ya know? All of it though, was very real, and very difficult.

I learned so many lessons last summer, and grew a lot. It was far different from what I expected, in both positive and negative ways. I learned more about campus ministry (which I still have a heart for), and got to do things like sit in on meetings and help with summer projects. I started new friendships, and caught up with the ones that can easily get neglected in the business of the academic year. But the one word that described my summer overall, was loneliness. 

It was tough. I spent a lot of time by myself, or with people who (in my opinion) just didn’t “get me.” But almost a year later, I can honestly say I'm glad for it. I don't say that lightly, but it is true. After reading all of those entries, I felt like I should write about them, a different perspective at a different time. I started with a free-write in my current journal and wanted to share it, so here it is.

It hurts,

But I’m never completely alone.

It bends,

but does not break entirely.

I learned to count my blessings,

and treasure each moment with those that I love.

I learned that it’s easier said than done.

and that the toughest storms are sometimes internal.

I learned that God is closer than I know.

and His silence is different from his absence.

He never lets go,

but challenges me to be something greater than I am.

Those changes hurt, push me to my limits,

but in my weakness he still moves.

Through my foolishness he whispers wisdom.

Through my hurt he speaks of hope.

Life is full of contradictions:

            sweet and sour

            kind and harsh

            gentle and fierce

            lack and excess

but none of them have to control me. 

------

Some things can’t be taught, only experienced. I am better for that summer, although I couldn’t see it then. So if you are in that place, chin up, and look for moments of learning despite the tough stuff. I don’t say this to belittle what you are going through now, but you gotta know that the other side will come.

As always, I want to hear your questions, comments, or thoughts.

(Also, if you have any ideas on how to improve this poem-ish thing I have here, please let me know that too. I would love to hear [constructive] feedback).

E-mail updates

Hey,

I had someone ask if they could receive e-mails when I posted something new. You can! Drop to the bottom of this page where it says Subscribe To: posts. Follow the link and it's really easy to set up from there.

Thanks for reading :D