Confident - Day 10

Once again, so much has happened since I last wrote that I have no idea where to begin.  So I guess I’ll start with an update from my last full post Life – Day 9. I can’t believe that was more than a month ago. I was just starting my medication and scared to death. 

I’m doing so much better now. I adjusted fairly well, only dealing with a few side effects that were pretty light compared to the scary list of them that always come packaged with the medicine. Also, the meds started working in about two weeks, which is nearly half the expected time. I was able to get back on my feet and finish out the academic year stronger than ever. 

And about all those fears? None of them really mattered. 

The biggest fear the whole time was telling my mom. Not that I thought she’d be angry or reject me in any way, she’s the most caring person I know, and she’s always there for me. But I know what she believed about the subject, and I was terrified to disappoint her or make her worry about me. I tried to tell her over the phone at least twice. One time, I even called specifically for that reason. The phone conversation went something like this:

“Hey Mama”

“Hey Baby, how are you?”

“Good.” *silence*

“…is everything okay?”

“Um…yes…”

“…”

“I just called because I wanted to tell you…I love you”

“Aww, well I love you too!” 

“yeah…alright.  Well that’s it. I didn’t really want anything.”

“Okay, well I miss you.”

“Miss you too. Bye.”

I’m sure she knew something was up - we’re usually super chatty and it had been a while since we talked so I’m sure she expected a lot more. But she didn’t question me, and I’m sure she just got off the phone and prayed about it. As soon as I got off the phone I start mentally berating myself. “Seriously? Am I really that ridiculous?” The answer was yes. So instead of telling her directly, I e-mailed the link to this blog and asked her to read it. The next day, she called me. She was a little nervous and reserved, but she was mostly mad - at the psychiatrist. 

“Was he mean to you?! Do you want me to come up there, ‘cause I will!” 

Haha, my mom is so awesome. Especially because she’s like 5’1” and in general not at all a threatening person. She’s fierce though, and would definitely have driven up to my school and had a meeting with him. But I told her that it was okay, and that I needed to hear what he had to say. Then she just waited. And I started talking. I explained to her why I had decided to do it and how I was really feeling better. She listened and was totally supportive. She even said that she was glad I didn’t ask her about it beforehand, because she would have advised me against it. Our relationship grew even stronger, and she has a new perspective on things. Once again, all that worrying for nothing.

My classes were also a major concern, especially the one in which I missed all those days. I’m sure it will show in my final grade, but so far my exams and presentations have been strong. And the class that I thought I was going to fail? My professor allowed me to complete the work I missed for half-credit. I passed by .7 points. Definitely not where I want to be, but totally better than where I could have been. 

I can’t take any of the credit for this. Even the meds, as helpful as they were, weren’t the answer. God’s grace is truly what got me through this time in my life, one of the hardest I’ve ever dealt with. I honestly don’t have the space to write all of the ways in which I’ve been blessed; all the little things that helped me to make it though; all of the friends who had just the right words (or no words at all) that encouraged me to keep going. 

It’s cool to look back at the journal entries I wrote then. I was up, down, and all over the place. But slowly things got better, and I learned that I could be strong in the face of adversity. One entry that really made me smile was on March 19th.

------

Thank You God for the life You’ve given me. Thank you for joy, and the energy to move, breathe and smile. Help me to never take those things for granted.

Thank you for the darkness. You are in it and you never let me go. You speak light and life to me constantly, despite my being deaf to it at times. Thank you. I give this day to You, and along with it my heart.

------

For this year, I’ve just recently stopped taking the meds. Now that I’ve readjusted to being off of them I feel great! I’m so much better and stronger for the darkness, but I’m moving beyond it into the light. It’s so cool to be able to agree 100% with David when he writes:

“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

-          Psalm 27:13,14

Happy Good Friday everyone!

Smile

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by
If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
For you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile Even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile- What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Smile - Charlie Chapman

What I learned from loneliness.

So much has happened since I last wrote that I don't know where to start. Life is flying by at a speed that leaves me spinning. Hopefully, I'll be able to make my posts a little more consistent, but it is crunch time for those of us in college - so don't hold me to it. :)

On a whim, I flipped back through my old journal of last summer and read through my thoughts and memories during that time. Some were really painful, others embarrassing, most pretty dramatic - the kind where you wince a little as you read, ya know? All of it though, was very real, and very difficult.

I learned so many lessons last summer, and grew a lot. It was far different from what I expected, in both positive and negative ways. I learned more about campus ministry (which I still have a heart for), and got to do things like sit in on meetings and help with summer projects. I started new friendships, and caught up with the ones that can easily get neglected in the business of the academic year. But the one word that described my summer overall, was loneliness. 

It was tough. I spent a lot of time by myself, or with people who (in my opinion) just didn’t “get me.” But almost a year later, I can honestly say I'm glad for it. I don't say that lightly, but it is true. After reading all of those entries, I felt like I should write about them, a different perspective at a different time. I started with a free-write in my current journal and wanted to share it, so here it is.

It hurts,

But I’m never completely alone.

It bends,

but does not break entirely.

I learned to count my blessings,

and treasure each moment with those that I love.

I learned that it’s easier said than done.

and that the toughest storms are sometimes internal.

I learned that God is closer than I know.

and His silence is different from his absence.

He never lets go,

but challenges me to be something greater than I am.

Those changes hurt, push me to my limits,

but in my weakness he still moves.

Through my foolishness he whispers wisdom.

Through my hurt he speaks of hope.

Life is full of contradictions:

            sweet and sour

            kind and harsh

            gentle and fierce

            lack and excess

but none of them have to control me. 

------

Some things can’t be taught, only experienced. I am better for that summer, although I couldn’t see it then. So if you are in that place, chin up, and look for moments of learning despite the tough stuff. I don’t say this to belittle what you are going through now, but you gotta know that the other side will come.

As always, I want to hear your questions, comments, or thoughts.

(Also, if you have any ideas on how to improve this poem-ish thing I have here, please let me know that too. I would love to hear [constructive] feedback).

E-mail updates

Hey,

I had someone ask if they could receive e-mails when I posted something new. You can! Drop to the bottom of this page where it says Subscribe To: posts. Follow the link and it's really easy to set up from there.

Thanks for reading :D

My Passion

Do you ever hear a song and wish it had been you that wrote it? This is one of those songs for me. They lyrics speak so powerfully. The song is My Passion by Jesus Culture from their album Come Away. 

I'm alive to bring, glory to You, King.
God of victory, You are my passion.
It's in the way you are, You don't change at all.
Great and humble God, You are my passion.

My strength in life, is I am Yours.
My soul delights because I am Yours.
Your will on earth is all I'm living for.

Jesus I glorify.
Jesus my love is Yours.
You are my heart's desire.
I live to know You more.

Light that breaks the darkness, showing what true love is.
Always full of goodness, You are my passion.
You never do me wrong, the meekest man but strong.
The most perfect song, You are my passion.

Life - Day 9

The past few days have been pretty rough. Woke up feeling really heavy and sluggish on Friday morning, and it hasn’t lifted since then.

Friday at 2:00pm. I went to the psychiatrist for the first time. It was incredibly scary for me. I didn’t want to think about it, and I almost didn’t go. They fine you if you no-show though. It’s probably a good thing. It got me there. That and the fact that I woke up feeling incredibly heavy and sluggish. I’m not happy that Friday morning was awful, but it helped me to see that as far as I’ve been able to come, I’m still struggling.

We talked about this semester and what I had been doing. I told him what I’d been doing based on my sessions with my new counselor – exercise, vitamins, journaling, eating better. I told him my fear – that I was afraid to be changed by the medicine. His response was almost harsh “well, you’re not yourself now, are you?”  Maybe it was only harsh because it was true. Either way, he noticed the look on my face and tried again, this time with a little more gentleness. 

He explained that the type of medicine he suggested was not going to affect my personality and that most people had very few ill effects. We talked through the possible side effects and the prospective dosage. After talking for nearly an hour, he finally asked me directly: what do you want to do?

I sat there, thinking of every possible reason to say no. Then I thought of the reasons to say yes. I thought of the six absences in my 9:00 class. I thought of all the late work I’ve turned in. I thought of the difficulty I have focusing and the constant low energy. I realized then that I’ve been surviving this semester, not living it. I don’t want to barely make it through every winter for the rest of my life. I want to thrive and live and give freely to those around me. I can’t do that in a consistent manner now.

Don’t get me wrong, there are bright days, and good moments in even in the dark ones. Each day has contained quiet notes of grace that compose a melody if I just listen. It plays in the big things. Echoes in the little things. A class canceled on a day that I just couldn’t grasp the strength to get there. A friendly classmate who bumps into me on her way to the gym just as I was about to drop the idea of working out that day.  Amazing friends who will cry with me one day and laugh with me the next. Those rare and wonderful individuals who just “get it” and don’t ask for apologies or explanations. I am incredibly fortunate.  

I told him I wanted to try it. He wrote a prescription and handed it to me. I walked out of the office feeling numb. I walked to the pharmacy, had it filled, and left.

Immediately, doubts surfaced.

            Those side effects are going to be awful!

Things might just get worse.

It’s midway through March, why can’t you just handle it for a little bit longer?

What will people say if they find out?

I don’t really know how this will turn out, but I’ve decided to try. I’m definitely still struggling with my fears and doubts. There’s no pretty ribbon wrap up at the end for now. I just have to keep walking.

My heart is with Japan

I am at a loss for words. I pray that Japan will come together as a country to help pick up the pieces and rebuild. I hope other countries including our own will come along side them to support in whatever way is needed.