Starting this blog has been deeply emotional for me. This morning alone I nearly deleted it at least three times. I felt insecure and afraid to write from what’s within me. But I feel that, for now, this is what I’m supposed to do. And I trust that I’ll stop when I’m supposed to stop.
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Today I learned to accept a part of me that I’d kept locked away for longer than I care to remember.
I am a deeply relational person. I get excited to listen to people and talk to them in a one-on-one setting. I love hearing people and learning about them – things that are important, things that make them happy and sad. But growing up, when I tried to be that person I was shut down, again and again. I was told in many times and ways that I was “heavy.” Family and friends said things like “pretty girls like you should be happy” and “hey, you’re cute and all, but you’re just so…”
Boring. I was boring. Because to me, life wasn’t and isn’t about doing crazy things, it was and is about really hearing and seeing people. Don’t get me wrong, there are things I like to do and interests that I have, but none of those things really make me...sparkle...like a deep conversation with a close friend.
During high school and my first two years of college, I tried so hard to be the person I thought I should be. I tried to be the perky, bubbly, lighthearted girl that people wanted to hang out with. I went to parties, chatted about nothing with people that I’d probably never see again and tried to pretend that it was enough. It wasn’t.
Inside, I was desperate for someone to see me.
And some people finally did. I’m truly grateful for those few. Sadly, though, something had happened to me during that time. I could no longer accept myself for who I was. I felt oddly guilty and weird for wanting to have close, personal friendships. “What’s wrong with you?” I’d say to myself, “why can’t you be normal?” “You’re a freak and probably intensely codependent. Be strong like a real woman.” Even when I let someone close, I’d shy away from deep conversations or make jokes when things got too serious, just so they’d “know” I wasn’t a freak. Just so I’d know I wasn’t a freak.
But I slowly learned to open up to people. I grew and changed, and found people who I could really connect with. And today, I realized something that blew my mind.
I was in the bathroom (where most good ideas happen) and a thought hit me like the most beautiful ton of bricks ever.
In the same way that I long to be close to people, God longs to be close to people.
Wow.
I have a wonderful God who sent his son Jesus to pay a price we never could. The bible says that our sins separate us from God. Jesus bridged that gap so that I could be close to God. God did a heartbreaking thing for something he found worthwhile and beautiful. A close, personal, living friendship with us.
When I build deep, meaningful friendships I am being like God. Not like a freak. Not heavy. Not like any of the ugly and harsh things that I was told - and told myself.
Beautifully and wonderfully me.
“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – how well I know it. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”
Psalm 139: 13-14,16 NLT
I’ve read these verses many times before, but it’s never spoken to me like this. God knows every detail about me including the delicate, inner parts of me. Today when I read this verse, my thoughts went directly to my brain, and all what happens within it. I’m glad to be complex. He knows how I struggle with dark thoughts and gray skies. And he thinks I’m marvelous.
I happen to agree.
So in response I want to get to know him too. That’s why I read my bible. That’s why I pray. Not out of feeling like I should, or because my parents taught me to, but because it’s how I can learn about the God who wants to know me, and already does. True friendship is never one-sided.
So what do you think? How do you view friendship?
