Once again, so much has happened since I last wrote that I have no idea where to begin. So I guess I’ll start with an update from my last full post Life – Day 9. I can’t believe that was more than a month ago. I was just starting my medication and scared to death.
I’m doing so much better now. I adjusted fairly well, only dealing with a few side effects that were pretty light compared to the scary list of them that always come packaged with the medicine. Also, the meds started working in about two weeks, which is nearly half the expected time. I was able to get back on my feet and finish out the academic year stronger than ever.
And about all those fears? None of them really mattered.
The biggest fear the whole time was telling my mom. Not that I thought she’d be angry or reject me in any way, she’s the most caring person I know, and she’s always there for me. But I know what she believed about the subject, and I was terrified to disappoint her or make her worry about me. I tried to tell her over the phone at least twice. One time, I even called specifically for that reason. The phone conversation went something like this:
“Hey Mama”
“Hey Baby, how are you?”
“Good.” *silence*
“…is everything okay?”
“Um…yes…”
“…”
“I just called because I wanted to tell you…I love you”
“Aww, well I love you too!”
“yeah…alright. Well that’s it. I didn’t really want anything.”
“Okay, well I miss you.”
“Miss you too. Bye.”
I’m sure she knew something was up - we’re usually super chatty and it had been a while since we talked so I’m sure she expected a lot more. But she didn’t question me, and I’m sure she just got off the phone and prayed about it. As soon as I got off the phone I start mentally berating myself. “Seriously? Am I really that ridiculous?” The answer was yes. So instead of telling her directly, I e-mailed the link to this blog and asked her to read it. The next day, she called me. She was a little nervous and reserved, but she was mostly mad - at the psychiatrist.
“Was he mean to you?! Do you want me to come up there, ‘cause I will!”
Haha, my mom is so awesome. Especially because she’s like 5’1” and in general not at all a threatening person. She’s fierce though, and would definitely have driven up to my school and had a meeting with him. But I told her that it was okay, and that I needed to hear what he had to say. Then she just waited. And I started talking. I explained to her why I had decided to do it and how I was really feeling better. She listened and was totally supportive. She even said that she was glad I didn’t ask her about it beforehand, because she would have advised me against it. Our relationship grew even stronger, and she has a new perspective on things. Once again, all that worrying for nothing.
My classes were also a major concern, especially the one in which I missed all those days. I’m sure it will show in my final grade, but so far my exams and presentations have been strong. And the class that I thought I was going to fail? My professor allowed me to complete the work I missed for half-credit. I passed by .7 points. Definitely not where I want to be, but totally better than where I could have been.
I can’t take any of the credit for this. Even the meds, as helpful as they were, weren’t the answer. God’s grace is truly what got me through this time in my life, one of the hardest I’ve ever dealt with. I honestly don’t have the space to write all of the ways in which I’ve been blessed; all the little things that helped me to make it though; all of the friends who had just the right words (or no words at all) that encouraged me to keep going.
It’s cool to look back at the journal entries I wrote then. I was up, down, and all over the place. But slowly things got better, and I learned that I could be strong in the face of adversity. One entry that really made me smile was on March 19th.
------
Thank You God for the life You’ve given me. Thank you for joy, and the energy to move, breathe and smile. Help me to never take those things for granted.
Thank you for the darkness. You are in it and you never let me go. You speak light and life to me constantly, despite my being deaf to it at times. Thank you. I give this day to You, and along with it my heart.
------
For this year, I’ve just recently stopped taking the meds. Now that I’ve readjusted to being off of them I feel great! I’m so much better and stronger for the darkness, but I’m moving beyond it into the light. It’s so cool to be able to agree 100% with David when he writes:
“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”
- Psalm 27:13,14
Happy Good Friday everyone!
