So much has happened since I last wrote that I don't know where to start. Life is flying by at a speed that leaves me spinning. Hopefully, I'll be able to make my posts a little more consistent, but it is crunch time for those of us in college - so don't hold me to it. :)
On a whim, I flipped back through my old journal of last summer and read through my thoughts and memories during that time. Some were really painful, others embarrassing, most pretty dramatic - the kind where you wince a little as you read, ya know? All of it though, was very real, and very difficult.
I learned so many lessons last summer, and grew a lot. It was far different from what I expected, in both positive and negative ways. I learned more about campus ministry (which I still have a heart for), and got to do things like sit in on meetings and help with summer projects. I started new friendships, and caught up with the ones that can easily get neglected in the business of the academic year. But the one word that described my summer overall, was loneliness.
It was tough. I spent a lot of time by myself, or with people who (in my opinion) just didn’t “get me.” But almost a year later, I can honestly say I'm glad for it. I don't say that lightly, but it is true. After reading all of those entries, I felt like I should write about them, a different perspective at a different time. I started with a free-write in my current journal and wanted to share it, so here it is.
It hurts,
But I’m never completely alone.
It bends,
but does not break entirely.
I learned to count my blessings,
and treasure each moment with those that I love.
I learned that it’s easier said than done.
and that the toughest storms are sometimes internal.
I learned that God is closer than I know.
and His silence is different from his absence.
He never lets go,
but challenges me to be something greater than I am.
Those changes hurt, push me to my limits,
but in my weakness he still moves.
Through my foolishness he whispers wisdom.
Through my hurt he speaks of hope.
Life is full of contradictions:
sweet and sour
kind and harsh
gentle and fierce
lack and excess
but none of them have to control me.
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Some things can’t be taught, only experienced. I am better for that summer, although I couldn’t see it then. So if you are in that place, chin up, and look for moments of learning despite the tough stuff. I don’t say this to belittle what you are going through now, but you gotta know that the other side will come.
As always, I want to hear your questions, comments, or thoughts.
(Also, if you have any ideas on how to improve this poem-ish thing I have here, please let me know that too. I would love to hear [constructive] feedback).
