Stronger - Day 5

Yesterday, I finally worked up the courage to go and get counseling again.

Before that, I was still building from the counsel that I received last year. I followed the plan: journaling more, getting exercise, going outdoors whenever I can, and pushing myself to be around people even when I didn’t want to. I even started taking a multi-vitamin and B supplements (which some researchers say may help). And I believe that the combined effort has been incredibly helpful. I’m doing so much better than last year, when at my lowest point I didn’t get out of bed for nearly three days.

But I’m still struggling. So I went back. 

The counselor who met with me for our consultation asked me a lot about what was going on. For some reason, I always feel really awful for talking about it. I think things like “other people have it much worse than me” and “if you were just strong enough, you’d be able to handle this.” So when I talk about it sometimes I feel like I should lessen the severity or make it seem like it’s not a big deal. I do not think that this is right.

Yes, there are people who struggle in a more profound way, who have been fighting for a long time. Yes, I have many blessings that some people haven’t received. But that doesn’t diminish my battle. I don’t think we should feel that our struggles have to “measure up” in order to be perceived as important. That way of thinking silences us, and keeps us from being transparent with others about what’s going on in our lives. 

Today I was frank and open with the woman I spoke to at the counseling center. It felt scary, but great. I’m learning more and more everyday how freeing it is to be honest. 

We talked about what I was currently doing and my family history. She went over the options which included continued counseling and light therapy. She also mentioned a low dose anti-depressant, because I’ve dealt with Seasonal Affective Disorder before, and have a family history of it and other mental health issues (at least four close relatives with documented diagnoses). 

At first, I immediately refused. I was terrified of the idea. And today I realized why. I have family members that are or were on mood stabilizers and other medications for mental disorders. I’ve seen firsthand how they can change people, and leave them utterly flat or highly volatile. Most of my interactions with them were painful and full of confusion and misunderstanding. Just thinking about it made me cry, and I did, right there in her office. But then she explained to me that most anti-depressants were different and that in my case it would be a very low dose.

So I’m taking a big step: I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. Even just writing that still feels a little nerve-wracking. And although I haven’t made a final decision I’m willing to talk about it now. I realize now that the main reason that I reservations is because I was scared. But fear is never a reason not to do something.

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I want to write something specifically to any readers that are Christian. I’ve realized that many of us have a negative view of mental disorders, depression in particular. Many don’t “believe” in depression, or see it as a bad mood, or selfishness. Some fail to see its complexity and chalk it up to a sinful lifestyle and advise people to repent of their sins (yes, I have been told that before). Others feel as if it is completely spiritual and encourage you to pray and read scripture to beat it. I know people mean well, but I don’t think they realize how having such a narrow view marginalizes and condemns those of us that struggle. 

Now, I am not saying that praying and reading scripture is wrong to do or a waste of time. Certainly not. Please don’t hear that from me. I know that in my own struggle it’s been incredibly encouraging to be reminded of how God loves me, and understand the beauty and worth that He in all of His perfection and power somehow sees in me. 

What I am saying is that often times, we don’t realize that it is not that simple.

I am definitely not an expert, but I know that depression is a complex thing. There is a biological component to it with genetic links, like diabetes or sickle-cell anemia. But rarely do people advise those diagnosed with these illnesses to “pray more” or “confess sin.” Why? I’m really not sure.

I don’t want to tell you what to believe. Whatever your opinions are on medication and mental disorders, I encourage you to learn more about them. What I write is my understanding based on what I’ve read and been through. 

Two sites that really helped me was this pastor’s story of struggling with Major Depression , and a page I stumbled upon simply titled “A Portrait of Ellen.” The first helped me to realize that Christians that struggle aren’t “wrong” or weak, while the second offered practical advice on how to help a struggling friend. 

So be open to learning, and pray for truth in your search. Wrestle with it, and don't be afraid of momentary uncertainty.

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Finally, I want to say that if you are struggling, please get help. Tell somebody you can trust, and seek a professional’s assistance. Many of us that are in college have the opportunity to receive great help for free or at a very low cost. Please don’t lose that opportunity, especially if you are hesitant because you fear what people may think. 

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--Eleanor Roosevelt 

It is difficult to look fear and misunderstanding in the face, but I know it is possible.

Feel free to agree, disagree, or leave a thought.