A Little Victory - Day 7

This is a poem I wrote a few days back to share with my chuch. When I wrote it, it symbolized hope in something that hasn't fully come to past. When I read it, it became about courage in spite of fear. It's hard to explain that in a few words....but I'll try.

I felt an incredible amount of fear for something that should have been so small. It was to the point that I wouldn't even think about it because I'd physically feel ill. I was up and down the whole time -  praying, getting to a place of peace, then tumbling back into fear again. It was stressful. And frustrating.

God definitely gave me courage though. And He gave me people. A really close friend - more like a sister - came to me and was willing to listen. Her support meant so much because she pushed through the icy walls of "I'm fine" and "everything's okay" that I tend to put up when I'm really a mess inside. She was the first person that I actually read the poem aloud to.

My boyfriend was so incredibly supportive as well. He challenged me to follow through instead of giving up. He also told me something that I don't think I'll ever forget. I was nervous about working on my poetry in front of him - I usually work alone, then share what I've got. What he said went something like , "Don't feel like you have to go away and get perfect before you can come to me." I can't really explain now why that meant so much, but it did. And it ran deeper than just the poetry.

So, no matter what anyone may think about this poem, to me it was part of a growing process. I know that I'll be able to look back over this and remember it as a victory.

Me = 1, Fear = 0

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Your love is spilling over

 the rough edges of my heart

I’m still flawed and unfinished,

But you don’t give up.

Your love reaches down

through time,

through sin

through fear

past pain

and all the voices that claimed

That I can’t make it.

That I’m too small,

 too weak,

Strange

and unequipped for the changes ahead

These words leave me restless and full of anxiety,

You break the chains of false security

confusion and selfish pride that keep

me from running to You.

But Your grace is enough

You make all things new.

                 

It doesn’t make sense to me

How deep Your loves goes.

The starkest poverty can’t exhaust your riches

Your light is so bright it cannot be eclipsed

Darkness can’t blind You, /Shadows can’t hide You

night is like day,

and tragedy just intensifies Your glory

Use my story

As part of your plan

To speak truth,

heal broken hearts,

and cut through sin’s cages

You’re the God of the Ages

And to You is the kingdom.

You have all the power.

You reign, King of glory

Forever, and ever, and ever

Amen. 

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-- Psalm 34:5

Tough Love - Day 6

I’ve been trying to form my thoughts for a while, and I don’t know that I have it all together yet, but these thoughts have been on my heart. It is easy to love when you feel loved. It’s easy when your needs are met. But how do we love when we are hurting, when our needs are not met? 

How do you feel when you spent all day running errands, and the family in the apartment above you needs you to babysit? Or what happens when you’re pulling a double, and then the world’s worst customer decides that you are the target of his or her next complaint session?  How do you respond when those ten precious minutes of quiet you were hoping for is suddenly imposed upon by a friend in “crisis mode.” 

 

I think that our response to these situations really shows what’s truly inside. And if you are like me, many times it’s not a beautiful thing. When I’m struggling, I find it so much easier to respond with rudeness or just not to respond at all. I allow my miniature world to spin around the axis of my problems and fears. Many times this leaves me frustrated and isolated, because I can’t bring myself to “see” others in a gracious way.

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 I found myself dealing with this over the past few days. It’s been a rough week. Too much homework and not enough energy. I felt overwhelmed and frazzled around the edges. Every interruption, whether by phone or knock at the door, felt startling and harsh. I just wanted people to leave me alone. I felt that everyone wanted something of me, something that I couldn’t deliver.

So I withdrew a little bit. It’s something I do when I don’t feel like I can handle things. I didn’t answer my phone, sometimes even just putting it on silent and leaving it somewhere. Then I felt guilty. Which made me frustrated. 

Then, one day I read this from James 3:17,18. (By now you may be wondering if I read any other book, I’ve quoted James so much. Long story short, I felt called to read a chapter of the book of James every day for a month. It was an amazing experience. Maybe I’ll post on that later?)

Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.

-          The Message

At first, I simply felt conviction. And it definitely was a good thing, although it was tough to admit. I hadn’t been living this way. The part about being hot one day and cold the next really stood out on the page. 

I realized that I was unconsciously using my struggles as an excuse not to love.

This is totally the opposite of God. God loved me when I hated Him. He loved me when I was indifferent to His presence. He loves me even now when I miss out on the good and amazing gifts He’s given me because I’m too busy focusing on the struggles He’s allowing me to go through. God’s love just keeps on giving. Not hot one day and cold the next. Not like me. 

It’s good to experience godly conviction and to begin to make changes. Sometimes, though, we can get focused on our flaws and allow it to discourage us. Today, when I looked back at those verses in James, I noticed something different that really encouraged me. At the very end of those verses, it talks about doing the hard work of getting along with others. It hit me then: this isn’t always going to be easy. 

In another version, the writer uses the comparison of sowing and reaping. I’m definitely not a farmer, but I helped my mom plant a garden more times than I can count when I was growing up. And you know what? I never planted something and expected it to become a full grown plant or flower overnight. The comparison here is deeply meaningful to me. Unity and real love takes purposeful effort. We’ve got to work at it. 

I’ve found though, that working in my own strength just leaves me burnt out, and plants seeds of bitterness and pride in my life. So I’ve learned that I have to constantly pray to God for the strength and wisdom that only He can give.

And sometimes, He does tell me to turn off my phone. He tells me that I can’t do everything for everyone all the time. He tells me that not only is it okay to spend time alone, but that it is good and necessary for my well-being. I don’t believe that I should always answer my phone, or respond to everything that people ask of me in order to truly love people. The pattern I’ve seen in the bible is one of balance, and trust in the Holy Spirit for guidance. 

I want to be wise. I want my life to overflow with mercy and gentleness for others. But I can’t do it alone, and it won’t happen overnight. That’s not the way it works. I am utterly reliant on God to experience, understand, and give love. When I think of it that way, I feel free to do my best, and I’m more patient with myself and others. 

I believe it is possible to give out of the little we have, and love others in spite of our own struggles.

As always, your thoughts are appreciated :)

Stronger - Day 5

Yesterday, I finally worked up the courage to go and get counseling again.

Before that, I was still building from the counsel that I received last year. I followed the plan: journaling more, getting exercise, going outdoors whenever I can, and pushing myself to be around people even when I didn’t want to. I even started taking a multi-vitamin and B supplements (which some researchers say may help). And I believe that the combined effort has been incredibly helpful. I’m doing so much better than last year, when at my lowest point I didn’t get out of bed for nearly three days.

But I’m still struggling. So I went back. 

The counselor who met with me for our consultation asked me a lot about what was going on. For some reason, I always feel really awful for talking about it. I think things like “other people have it much worse than me” and “if you were just strong enough, you’d be able to handle this.” So when I talk about it sometimes I feel like I should lessen the severity or make it seem like it’s not a big deal. I do not think that this is right.

Yes, there are people who struggle in a more profound way, who have been fighting for a long time. Yes, I have many blessings that some people haven’t received. But that doesn’t diminish my battle. I don’t think we should feel that our struggles have to “measure up” in order to be perceived as important. That way of thinking silences us, and keeps us from being transparent with others about what’s going on in our lives. 

Today I was frank and open with the woman I spoke to at the counseling center. It felt scary, but great. I’m learning more and more everyday how freeing it is to be honest. 

We talked about what I was currently doing and my family history. She went over the options which included continued counseling and light therapy. She also mentioned a low dose anti-depressant, because I’ve dealt with Seasonal Affective Disorder before, and have a family history of it and other mental health issues (at least four close relatives with documented diagnoses). 

At first, I immediately refused. I was terrified of the idea. And today I realized why. I have family members that are or were on mood stabilizers and other medications for mental disorders. I’ve seen firsthand how they can change people, and leave them utterly flat or highly volatile. Most of my interactions with them were painful and full of confusion and misunderstanding. Just thinking about it made me cry, and I did, right there in her office. But then she explained to me that most anti-depressants were different and that in my case it would be a very low dose.

So I’m taking a big step: I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. Even just writing that still feels a little nerve-wracking. And although I haven’t made a final decision I’m willing to talk about it now. I realize now that the main reason that I reservations is because I was scared. But fear is never a reason not to do something.

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I want to write something specifically to any readers that are Christian. I’ve realized that many of us have a negative view of mental disorders, depression in particular. Many don’t “believe” in depression, or see it as a bad mood, or selfishness. Some fail to see its complexity and chalk it up to a sinful lifestyle and advise people to repent of their sins (yes, I have been told that before). Others feel as if it is completely spiritual and encourage you to pray and read scripture to beat it. I know people mean well, but I don’t think they realize how having such a narrow view marginalizes and condemns those of us that struggle. 

Now, I am not saying that praying and reading scripture is wrong to do or a waste of time. Certainly not. Please don’t hear that from me. I know that in my own struggle it’s been incredibly encouraging to be reminded of how God loves me, and understand the beauty and worth that He in all of His perfection and power somehow sees in me. 

What I am saying is that often times, we don’t realize that it is not that simple.

I am definitely not an expert, but I know that depression is a complex thing. There is a biological component to it with genetic links, like diabetes or sickle-cell anemia. But rarely do people advise those diagnosed with these illnesses to “pray more” or “confess sin.” Why? I’m really not sure.

I don’t want to tell you what to believe. Whatever your opinions are on medication and mental disorders, I encourage you to learn more about them. What I write is my understanding based on what I’ve read and been through. 

Two sites that really helped me was this pastor’s story of struggling with Major Depression , and a page I stumbled upon simply titled “A Portrait of Ellen.” The first helped me to realize that Christians that struggle aren’t “wrong” or weak, while the second offered practical advice on how to help a struggling friend. 

So be open to learning, and pray for truth in your search. Wrestle with it, and don't be afraid of momentary uncertainty.

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Finally, I want to say that if you are struggling, please get help. Tell somebody you can trust, and seek a professional’s assistance. Many of us that are in college have the opportunity to receive great help for free or at a very low cost. Please don’t lose that opportunity, especially if you are hesitant because you fear what people may think. 

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--Eleanor Roosevelt 

It is difficult to look fear and misunderstanding in the face, but I know it is possible.

Feel free to agree, disagree, or leave a thought.

Hope in the Unseen

I found this quote today. I pray that at the end of my life, I will be able to say these words.

“I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do great things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all people, richly blessed.”

-- Anonymous

Midnight Poetry

It's late and I should go to bed but I want to write something beautiful,

something from my heart.

But my brain is limp and craves sleep and there's no beauty, just cotton.

so I'll leave you with this instead.

Wild Geese 
Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

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Mary Oliver, your words are magic.

Hurricane Love - Day 4

I learned something deeper about God today.

 I want to explain my use of the word deeper.  I mean that there are some times that I “know” something in my head, but when I examine my life I don’t see any consistent evidence of that knowledge. Sometimes, it’s the difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. Other times I may have forgotten or let something lesser replace it. Either way I’m thrilled and humbled when I understand in a more complete way than before.

What I learned I wrote letter-style to God. I don’t write this in the hopes of teaching you something about God, but to urge you to seek for yourself. No matter how far from God you are or how skeptical you are about His existence or benevolence, one thing stays the same: God, who is complete in all ways, desires a deep friendship with each of us, who struggle in incompleteness. 

So question everything - check it in reliable ways, and pray for God to show you the truth in anything you read or hear.

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I asked You to teach me something new about You. And you did! I’ve been studying James, and the verse that I was wrestling with was James 4:5 

It’s a highly disputed verse, but one possible translation really spoke to me. You are jealous for my faithfulness and deeply desire my love. Like a lover, you see my unfaithfulness and passionately desire my affections to be for You.

It clicked when I thought of the opening lines of “How He Loves”

He is jealous for me

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree

You are passionate for my entire heart. You desire me fiercely. My obedience and full focus is pleasing to you. You aren’t indifferent to my selfishness and the ways in which I ignore your laws.

“The Holy Spirit is jealous for us. He opposes everything in us that would draw us away from God.”

You are protective of me and long for me to stay in the safety and freedom of your arms. This is hard for me, and maybe many others to accept and understand. From my human perspective safety is often seen as being in opposition with freedom. But You are so big that I don’t doubt this. Your love is complete. My mind struggles to grasp Your fullness, but nothing is impossible for You.

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I want to know your thoughts. What stuck out to you? Is there something you can challenge me with? Please speak freely.

Sunlight - Day 3

I'm slowly learning to be patient with myself and the place that I'm at.

It still baffles me to find that gray skies can plunge me into a place of sadness, low energy, and gloom. It’s a bittersweet thing to know I’m not alone in this. I’ve been working to learn more about what’s going on with me and I’m taking steps to push back against it. I’m so grateful for the thoughts and prayers of friends and family. Still, some days are just rough.

Monday was one of those days this week, and I struggled to get even the most basic things accomplished. After hitting the snooze bottom a record number of times, I finally just burst into tears. I j wanted to scream at myself to get it together. I pushed through the morning, shuffled through the afternoon, and slumped into bed later that night feeling discouraged. I started seriously considering getting a prescription. The thought made me anxious and scared.

Please hear me on this: I do not believe that it is wrong to take medicine for depression or any disorder. If you are struggling, you need to do what will help you get better. I just have a history of adjusting poorly to anything – whether it’s my asthma inhaler or regular over-the-counter pain meds – so I’m trying everything else first.

Tuesday was beautiful and bright, so I spent lunch sitting in a makeshift window seat. I learned that just being in the sunlight can be therapeutic. The rays were so incredibly warm and full –indescribably so. I vaguely wished (again) to be somebody’s cat, so I could sit there all day being adorable and self-satisfied - the way I always view cats as being.  The rest of Tuesday was much better, but I was frustrated still. I hated feeling like I’m on a roller coaster, up one day and down the next.

Wednesday I read the first chapter of the book in the bible called James. In verse 17, James describes God as the “Father of heavenly lights.” For some reason, that description tugged at me, imploring me to explore it. What I found made me smile.

I keep a journal on a regular-ish basis, and much of the time I write directly to God. What I wrote went something like this:

God, I’m so glad You describe Yourself as the Father of lights. It seems to mean “Father of the sun, moon and stars.” James compares You to those beautiful lights, and shows how You are so much more than them in every way. There’s no change in You, no rising or setting, like the sun. Your light is so complete it cannot be eclipsed and so blazingly bright that there are no shadows left. Just like my body and brain craves sunlight to function and experience happiness, I need You to infinitely more to experience truth and deep satisfaction. Thank You for being bigger than the sun. Thank you for being constant when I am not.

God’s…fullness… isn’t changed by my inconsistency. I can rely on him to be my focus and security, even when I’m a mess. Especially then. I feel humbled by his love.