Life - Day 9

The past few days have been pretty rough. Woke up feeling really heavy and sluggish on Friday morning, and it hasn’t lifted since then.

Friday at 2:00pm. I went to the psychiatrist for the first time. It was incredibly scary for me. I didn’t want to think about it, and I almost didn’t go. They fine you if you no-show though. It’s probably a good thing. It got me there. That and the fact that I woke up feeling incredibly heavy and sluggish. I’m not happy that Friday morning was awful, but it helped me to see that as far as I’ve been able to come, I’m still struggling.

We talked about this semester and what I had been doing. I told him what I’d been doing based on my sessions with my new counselor – exercise, vitamins, journaling, eating better. I told him my fear – that I was afraid to be changed by the medicine. His response was almost harsh “well, you’re not yourself now, are you?”  Maybe it was only harsh because it was true. Either way, he noticed the look on my face and tried again, this time with a little more gentleness. 

He explained that the type of medicine he suggested was not going to affect my personality and that most people had very few ill effects. We talked through the possible side effects and the prospective dosage. After talking for nearly an hour, he finally asked me directly: what do you want to do?

I sat there, thinking of every possible reason to say no. Then I thought of the reasons to say yes. I thought of the six absences in my 9:00 class. I thought of all the late work I’ve turned in. I thought of the difficulty I have focusing and the constant low energy. I realized then that I’ve been surviving this semester, not living it. I don’t want to barely make it through every winter for the rest of my life. I want to thrive and live and give freely to those around me. I can’t do that in a consistent manner now.

Don’t get me wrong, there are bright days, and good moments in even in the dark ones. Each day has contained quiet notes of grace that compose a melody if I just listen. It plays in the big things. Echoes in the little things. A class canceled on a day that I just couldn’t grasp the strength to get there. A friendly classmate who bumps into me on her way to the gym just as I was about to drop the idea of working out that day.  Amazing friends who will cry with me one day and laugh with me the next. Those rare and wonderful individuals who just “get it” and don’t ask for apologies or explanations. I am incredibly fortunate.  

I told him I wanted to try it. He wrote a prescription and handed it to me. I walked out of the office feeling numb. I walked to the pharmacy, had it filled, and left.

Immediately, doubts surfaced.

            Those side effects are going to be awful!

Things might just get worse.

It’s midway through March, why can’t you just handle it for a little bit longer?

What will people say if they find out?

I don’t really know how this will turn out, but I’ve decided to try. I’m definitely still struggling with my fears and doubts. There’s no pretty ribbon wrap up at the end for now. I just have to keep walking.

My heart is with Japan

I am at a loss for words. I pray that Japan will come together as a country to help pick up the pieces and rebuild. I hope other countries including our own will come along side them to support in whatever way is needed.

Seeing Me - Day 8

I definitely realize that my last post wasn't very clear. I've been reading a lot of "how to blog" advice and many of them say that a blog should have a central focus. I thought that I had one, but then I wasn't sure, and I let that keep me from writing. I really don't know the best answer for  this, but I miss writing.

So for now, I'll just keep posting my thoughts and asking for yours in return, okay?

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Something I’ve noticed about people in general is that we are really good at misunderstanding each other. We get so focused on our way of living, being, doing that we can’t really see each other. I see this everywhere, but because of my experience I notice it a lot in the church.

I know that because of who I am, I can get caught up in deficits – what’s not right in a certain situation. That’s not the mindset I’m trying to set forth. I don’t want this to be a “what I hate about the American church” spiel. That’s not my goal at all. 

But what I see often is an inability to relate to people who do things differently. Maybe it’s how someone dresses or wears their hair. Maybe it’s the “calling” or purpose that they feel is on their life. Whatever it is, our tendency as humans is to consider the way we do things as the best way. 

In the church, it seems to play out in two extremes with lots of variations in between. There are those that have a very strict mindset: “Wear this, do these things, and stay in church as much as possible. Follow the rules set by those in authority.”  They tend to say things like “that person just need to get right” and are intensely prideful about the way they live their lives. The other extreme is to look with disdain on those who subscribe to a more traditional way of doing church. They mock those that persevere through the problems that do occur, and consider those that stick around as lame or “legalistic” without trying to understand the heart behind it.

Although I don’t think I was necessarily at either extreme, I definitely had an attitude of judgment. I was unconsciously “ranking” people’s choices or ways of living according to my personal convictions or ideas about how the world works.

I think that I missed out on a lot of great people and ideas because of that. 

It’s humbling to realize that my attitude was so wrong, and so limiting. Through that humility though, I can see things and people in a way that is so incredibly exciting. I’m learning to welcome and be thrilled by differences because I’m okay with knowing I don’t have it all together. That doesn’t change my value, nor does it make my opinions invalid. 

I believe that God is limitless, complex, and wonderfully creative.  Being godly isn’t about how you dress or about fitting into people’s perception of what it means to be a Christian. It’s all about Jesus. It’s about learning to hear what he has to say to you daily, and following that faithfully. Every day. Step by step. It’s so simple, yet it’s incredibly difficult to do. It requires effort and uncertainty. There are days that I feel confident and know exactly where to go. There are others where I struggle to hear clearly and feel like I’m screwing up completely. Sometimes I’ll feel both in the same day. 

I think that might be why it’s easy to fall into just following the rules, or in sticking to a prescribed way of doing things. I believe many people mean well, and want to live flawlessly. So we boil things down, oversimplify, and confine ourselves to what we know.

But where’s the adventure in that? 

I'm learning to see God’s plan for me as just that: perfectly and wonderfully for me. I’m learning to be confident in what I believe I am supposed to do, without setting myself above someone else. I can authentically embrace people that are doing things differently, and be excited about their journey even if it is wildly different from mine.

I think that’s pretty cool, just sayin’ :D

Under Construction

I'm taking a little time to figure out things. I just wanna be me, and nothing else. Unfortunately, I still have to figure out what that means....

A Little Victory - Day 7

This is a poem I wrote a few days back to share with my chuch. When I wrote it, it symbolized hope in something that hasn't fully come to past. When I read it, it became about courage in spite of fear. It's hard to explain that in a few words....but I'll try.

I felt an incredible amount of fear for something that should have been so small. It was to the point that I wouldn't even think about it because I'd physically feel ill. I was up and down the whole time -  praying, getting to a place of peace, then tumbling back into fear again. It was stressful. And frustrating.

God definitely gave me courage though. And He gave me people. A really close friend - more like a sister - came to me and was willing to listen. Her support meant so much because she pushed through the icy walls of "I'm fine" and "everything's okay" that I tend to put up when I'm really a mess inside. She was the first person that I actually read the poem aloud to.

My boyfriend was so incredibly supportive as well. He challenged me to follow through instead of giving up. He also told me something that I don't think I'll ever forget. I was nervous about working on my poetry in front of him - I usually work alone, then share what I've got. What he said went something like , "Don't feel like you have to go away and get perfect before you can come to me." I can't really explain now why that meant so much, but it did. And it ran deeper than just the poetry.

So, no matter what anyone may think about this poem, to me it was part of a growing process. I know that I'll be able to look back over this and remember it as a victory.

Me = 1, Fear = 0

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Your love is spilling over

 the rough edges of my heart

I’m still flawed and unfinished,

But you don’t give up.

Your love reaches down

through time,

through sin

through fear

past pain

and all the voices that claimed

That I can’t make it.

That I’m too small,

 too weak,

Strange

and unequipped for the changes ahead

These words leave me restless and full of anxiety,

You break the chains of false security

confusion and selfish pride that keep

me from running to You.

But Your grace is enough

You make all things new.

                 

It doesn’t make sense to me

How deep Your loves goes.

The starkest poverty can’t exhaust your riches

Your light is so bright it cannot be eclipsed

Darkness can’t blind You, /Shadows can’t hide You

night is like day,

and tragedy just intensifies Your glory

Use my story

As part of your plan

To speak truth,

heal broken hearts,

and cut through sin’s cages

You’re the God of the Ages

And to You is the kingdom.

You have all the power.

You reign, King of glory

Forever, and ever, and ever

Amen. 

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-- Psalm 34:5

Tough Love - Day 6

I’ve been trying to form my thoughts for a while, and I don’t know that I have it all together yet, but these thoughts have been on my heart. It is easy to love when you feel loved. It’s easy when your needs are met. But how do we love when we are hurting, when our needs are not met? 

How do you feel when you spent all day running errands, and the family in the apartment above you needs you to babysit? Or what happens when you’re pulling a double, and then the world’s worst customer decides that you are the target of his or her next complaint session?  How do you respond when those ten precious minutes of quiet you were hoping for is suddenly imposed upon by a friend in “crisis mode.” 

 

I think that our response to these situations really shows what’s truly inside. And if you are like me, many times it’s not a beautiful thing. When I’m struggling, I find it so much easier to respond with rudeness or just not to respond at all. I allow my miniature world to spin around the axis of my problems and fears. Many times this leaves me frustrated and isolated, because I can’t bring myself to “see” others in a gracious way.

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 I found myself dealing with this over the past few days. It’s been a rough week. Too much homework and not enough energy. I felt overwhelmed and frazzled around the edges. Every interruption, whether by phone or knock at the door, felt startling and harsh. I just wanted people to leave me alone. I felt that everyone wanted something of me, something that I couldn’t deliver.

So I withdrew a little bit. It’s something I do when I don’t feel like I can handle things. I didn’t answer my phone, sometimes even just putting it on silent and leaving it somewhere. Then I felt guilty. Which made me frustrated. 

Then, one day I read this from James 3:17,18. (By now you may be wondering if I read any other book, I’ve quoted James so much. Long story short, I felt called to read a chapter of the book of James every day for a month. It was an amazing experience. Maybe I’ll post on that later?)

Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.

-          The Message

At first, I simply felt conviction. And it definitely was a good thing, although it was tough to admit. I hadn’t been living this way. The part about being hot one day and cold the next really stood out on the page. 

I realized that I was unconsciously using my struggles as an excuse not to love.

This is totally the opposite of God. God loved me when I hated Him. He loved me when I was indifferent to His presence. He loves me even now when I miss out on the good and amazing gifts He’s given me because I’m too busy focusing on the struggles He’s allowing me to go through. God’s love just keeps on giving. Not hot one day and cold the next. Not like me. 

It’s good to experience godly conviction and to begin to make changes. Sometimes, though, we can get focused on our flaws and allow it to discourage us. Today, when I looked back at those verses in James, I noticed something different that really encouraged me. At the very end of those verses, it talks about doing the hard work of getting along with others. It hit me then: this isn’t always going to be easy. 

In another version, the writer uses the comparison of sowing and reaping. I’m definitely not a farmer, but I helped my mom plant a garden more times than I can count when I was growing up. And you know what? I never planted something and expected it to become a full grown plant or flower overnight. The comparison here is deeply meaningful to me. Unity and real love takes purposeful effort. We’ve got to work at it. 

I’ve found though, that working in my own strength just leaves me burnt out, and plants seeds of bitterness and pride in my life. So I’ve learned that I have to constantly pray to God for the strength and wisdom that only He can give.

And sometimes, He does tell me to turn off my phone. He tells me that I can’t do everything for everyone all the time. He tells me that not only is it okay to spend time alone, but that it is good and necessary for my well-being. I don’t believe that I should always answer my phone, or respond to everything that people ask of me in order to truly love people. The pattern I’ve seen in the bible is one of balance, and trust in the Holy Spirit for guidance. 

I want to be wise. I want my life to overflow with mercy and gentleness for others. But I can’t do it alone, and it won’t happen overnight. That’s not the way it works. I am utterly reliant on God to experience, understand, and give love. When I think of it that way, I feel free to do my best, and I’m more patient with myself and others. 

I believe it is possible to give out of the little we have, and love others in spite of our own struggles.

As always, your thoughts are appreciated :)

Stronger - Day 5

Yesterday, I finally worked up the courage to go and get counseling again.

Before that, I was still building from the counsel that I received last year. I followed the plan: journaling more, getting exercise, going outdoors whenever I can, and pushing myself to be around people even when I didn’t want to. I even started taking a multi-vitamin and B supplements (which some researchers say may help). And I believe that the combined effort has been incredibly helpful. I’m doing so much better than last year, when at my lowest point I didn’t get out of bed for nearly three days.

But I’m still struggling. So I went back. 

The counselor who met with me for our consultation asked me a lot about what was going on. For some reason, I always feel really awful for talking about it. I think things like “other people have it much worse than me” and “if you were just strong enough, you’d be able to handle this.” So when I talk about it sometimes I feel like I should lessen the severity or make it seem like it’s not a big deal. I do not think that this is right.

Yes, there are people who struggle in a more profound way, who have been fighting for a long time. Yes, I have many blessings that some people haven’t received. But that doesn’t diminish my battle. I don’t think we should feel that our struggles have to “measure up” in order to be perceived as important. That way of thinking silences us, and keeps us from being transparent with others about what’s going on in our lives. 

Today I was frank and open with the woman I spoke to at the counseling center. It felt scary, but great. I’m learning more and more everyday how freeing it is to be honest. 

We talked about what I was currently doing and my family history. She went over the options which included continued counseling and light therapy. She also mentioned a low dose anti-depressant, because I’ve dealt with Seasonal Affective Disorder before, and have a family history of it and other mental health issues (at least four close relatives with documented diagnoses). 

At first, I immediately refused. I was terrified of the idea. And today I realized why. I have family members that are or were on mood stabilizers and other medications for mental disorders. I’ve seen firsthand how they can change people, and leave them utterly flat or highly volatile. Most of my interactions with them were painful and full of confusion and misunderstanding. Just thinking about it made me cry, and I did, right there in her office. But then she explained to me that most anti-depressants were different and that in my case it would be a very low dose.

So I’m taking a big step: I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. Even just writing that still feels a little nerve-wracking. And although I haven’t made a final decision I’m willing to talk about it now. I realize now that the main reason that I reservations is because I was scared. But fear is never a reason not to do something.

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I want to write something specifically to any readers that are Christian. I’ve realized that many of us have a negative view of mental disorders, depression in particular. Many don’t “believe” in depression, or see it as a bad mood, or selfishness. Some fail to see its complexity and chalk it up to a sinful lifestyle and advise people to repent of their sins (yes, I have been told that before). Others feel as if it is completely spiritual and encourage you to pray and read scripture to beat it. I know people mean well, but I don’t think they realize how having such a narrow view marginalizes and condemns those of us that struggle. 

Now, I am not saying that praying and reading scripture is wrong to do or a waste of time. Certainly not. Please don’t hear that from me. I know that in my own struggle it’s been incredibly encouraging to be reminded of how God loves me, and understand the beauty and worth that He in all of His perfection and power somehow sees in me. 

What I am saying is that often times, we don’t realize that it is not that simple.

I am definitely not an expert, but I know that depression is a complex thing. There is a biological component to it with genetic links, like diabetes or sickle-cell anemia. But rarely do people advise those diagnosed with these illnesses to “pray more” or “confess sin.” Why? I’m really not sure.

I don’t want to tell you what to believe. Whatever your opinions are on medication and mental disorders, I encourage you to learn more about them. What I write is my understanding based on what I’ve read and been through. 

Two sites that really helped me was this pastor’s story of struggling with Major Depression , and a page I stumbled upon simply titled “A Portrait of Ellen.” The first helped me to realize that Christians that struggle aren’t “wrong” or weak, while the second offered practical advice on how to help a struggling friend. 

So be open to learning, and pray for truth in your search. Wrestle with it, and don't be afraid of momentary uncertainty.

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Finally, I want to say that if you are struggling, please get help. Tell somebody you can trust, and seek a professional’s assistance. Many of us that are in college have the opportunity to receive great help for free or at a very low cost. Please don’t lose that opportunity, especially if you are hesitant because you fear what people may think. 

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--Eleanor Roosevelt 

It is difficult to look fear and misunderstanding in the face, but I know it is possible.

Feel free to agree, disagree, or leave a thought.